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Written by J.D. Oxblood

As a burlexicologist, I spend a lot of time watching beautiful women take their clothes off and have a front-row seat to how these acts of public seduction get the audience in the mood. Singles sometimes hook up at burlesque shows, but I see even more couples—dating, married, been-married-so-long-it-hurts—giggling at each other in titillation and getting that old spark rekindled. It works. If your sex life is flagging, or if your partner seems a little—yawn—uninterested, hitting a burlesque show with your partner might get things going again. But if that’s not enough, you might consider bringing a little burlesque action into the bedroom.

The Glove Peel

A burlesque performer makes crowds swoon by biting the fingertips of a glove and slowly pulling it off of her hand. Why not make it work for you?

Step 1. Arrive home at night and realize the gloves you’re wearing are black fingerless wool nose-pickers, with a lot of holes. Rummage around in the kitchen, finding only a pair of tater gloves. http://www.tatergloves.net/  Go with the nose-pickers. Step 2. Find the wife in bed, reading a Martha Stewart magazine. Drop your leather jacket on the floor to get her attention. Step 3. Bite the glove with a flourish. It has no fingers, so chew at the palm. Wriggle your hand out and fling the glove on the ground. Step 4. If she says “What are you doing?” more than three times, it’s not working.

The Stocking Peel

There is nothing like a sexy burlesque performer’s slow removal of her stockings to bring audiences to their knees.

Step 1. Arrive home to find the wife watching “Chopped.” Wait until a commercial provides some decent music, like that theme from the Olympics that’s in every commercial now. Step 2. Get your shoes and your pants off as quickly as possible. Step 3. Put one leg on the coffee table and slowly roll your athletic sock down seductively. Ignore the wife’s laughter. Step 4. Stand and lift the other leg behind you, reaching over your head to grab the toe of the sock and pull off slowly. Step 5. Lose your balance and fall onto the floor clumsily, twisting an ankle and nearly breaking your neck. Step 6. Hope that just being on the floor will give her some ideas. Damnit—“Chopped” is back on. 

The Tassel Twirl

Step 1. Buy some pasties with tassels, and a fixer. You can use Topstick, flash tape, toupee tape, liquid latex, spirit glue, carpet tape, duct tape, epoxy—depends on the shape and size of your breasts. Step 2. Find your lady and rip your shirt off. Step 3. Left shoulder one-direction single-tassel twirl, right shoulder opposite direction single-tassel twirl, then jump up and down lightly, bouncing, for double counter-cum-clockwise twirl. Step 4. Hit your head on the ceiling fan and go down, hard. Step 5. Get some pity, along with the wife’s tender application of an icepack. Step 6. Just take her to a nice dinner, or buy some fucking jewelry.

—Kiss kiss,

JDX

J.D. Oxblood is co-founder and Editor-in-Tease of BurlesqueBeat.com. His burlesque writing has also been seen in Burlesque Magazine, 21st Century Burlesque and Zelda. His academic work has appeared in Borrowers & Lenders.

Photos of Gal Friday, Albert Cadabra, & Sapphire Jones c. Melody Mudd. Please respect copyrights and contact melodymudd@burlesquebeat.com for permissions.
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