Written by Alex Hughes
Hopefully everybody has had the chance to go to a delightfully sleazy strip club, a bar with nearly nude go-go dancers twerking over your vodka soda, or even New York’s boy Burlesque (Boylesque) festival. If you haven’t, plan a nearly naked night out immediately, and if you already have, you’ve hopefully learned some of the etiquette of going to sexy events.
Everyone who’s gone out knows some people think if drinks are pouring and clothes are coming off, it’s a no-rules situation. That is not the case. Burlesque shows aren’t orgies, and strip clubs aren’t the touch-and-feel free-for-all section of the aquarium. Anyone who’s been inappropriately groped by a 67-year old guy trolling the bar or who’s had their dick grabbed at a urinal knows that some people don’t know their limits.
Even though debauchery is involved, there are some obvious and not-so-obvious guidelines. So whether you’re attending Boylesque, headed to a strip club, or get the balls to talk to that hot blonde stripper with legs for days and the tits of a porn star, get yourself under control and follow these tips:
1. Don’t arrive drunk – No bouncer likes a customer stumbling through the door before they’ve even gotten to coat check. Pre-gaming is great, but don’t overdo it. Have a beer or two and pour yourself a shot, and leave it as that. Bars, clubs, and all other types of venues make their money from drinks, and if you can’t afford the drink prices, then you should go to a different bar. You don’t need to get $1,200 bottle service to have a deliciously seedy and fun night.
2. Get a sense of your surroundings – Before you dive in, check out the vibe of the venue. Are dancers on a stage, completely separated from the crowd or are go-go boys dancing on the bar, dipping down to whisper sweet compliments in your ear as they’re two centimeters away from dipping their 9-inch dick in your drink? Figure out how it’s done at the venue by observing and sipping on your first drink.
3. Have a lot of cash – Strippers’ asses don’t double as credit card readers, so have lots of dollar bills on hand. You should have a mix of $1, $5, and $10s on hand. But hell, if you’re a big spender and want the attention of the hottest girl, get them $20s, $50s, and $100s out of the bank on your way home from work. Dancers also talk to each other so if you stiff one of them, they’ll tell everyone else and you’ll probably be ignored by the rest of the crew.
4. Never touch without permission – How would you like to be grabbed and touched without permission at your job? It’d be creepy. It’s not pleasant and it’s definitely not going to score you any points. Observe what other respectful clientele are doing and follow suit, and always read a dancer’s body language. If they come up to you and get close, maybe that’s permission, but start off light, by resting your hand on their back or their waist, and see their reaction. Hopefully everybody should know when a situation is comfortable or not and know when to back off or move forward.
5. If you do get the sense that you can touch, have cash in hand – Go-go girls, strippers, and burlesque dancers aren’t just being stared at and felt up by ugly drunk people for fun. You touch, you pay. If they compliment you, you pay. If they spend more than 15 seconds talking to you, you pay more. And I don’t mean paying them a dollar. Give them a minimum $3, and if you want to come off as someone who’s classy, give ‘em $5 at least, and if you want them to pay attention to you, give them a $20. The dollar amount also is related to what kind of venue you’re at. Are you at a cheap gay bar with $5 drinks? Or are you at an upscale gentlemen’s club with $30 glasses of champagne? Different types of situations call for different types of tips.
6. Don’t ever think that a stripper wants to go home with you – Just because somebody takes their clothes off for a living doesn’t mean they’re an escort. Just because a dancer whispered in your ear telling you how good you look tonight, how sexy you are, and they let you touch their boob, that doesn’t mean they’re actually into you. The dancer who complimented you said the same exact thing to the 75 other guys before you.
7. Don’t touch yourself during a Burlesque show – Duh! Ew! Would you like to turn to your right and see a guy whacking off? I didn’t think so, and the guy who’s to your right probably doesn’t want to see you jerk off either.
8. If you find someone to get down and dirty with, find an empty stall or go to your place –Different bars and clubs and venues have varying degrees of sleaziness. Some venues turn a blind eye to bathroom blowjobs and fucking, while others have high security surrounding the restrooms and dark corners. It’s not abnormal to see bouncers walking in and out of bathrooms with flashlights making sure no one’s getting head in a stall. You don’t want to be kicked out of a club with your dick hanging out, so make sure it’s safe to get sleazy before you whip it out.
9. Just be courteous – It really can’t be that fun getting touched by drunk people, so put yourself in the dancer’s shoes before you walk in the door. Be polite and don’t be a dick. It’s really not that hard.
Burlesque shows are fun, go-go dancers are a blast, and strippers are great. It’s arguably the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. A night out at a strip club is going to be expensive, but definitely worth it if you don’t get kicked out for charging in and grabbing the first big boobie or large pornstar cock you see. Everybody’s seen that gross guy who’s done that. Maybe you’ve been that extremely drunk gross guy before, but you can change. We’ve all accidentally had 14 Malibu rums in a row before. Just follow these 9 rules and you’ll never be that gross guy again. And since you’re so nice and generous with your dolla dolla bills, all the dancers will be heading your way.